I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
