what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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