Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
