I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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