I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
