my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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