I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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