His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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