I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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