I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
