this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
