i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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