just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
