my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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