So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
