my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
