no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
