apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
