you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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