He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
