there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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