god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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