Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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