i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
