i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
