I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
