I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
