Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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