her facebook's as public as her vagina
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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