I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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