And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
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So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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