I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
