On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
