i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
