yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
