I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
