I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
