I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
