I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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