I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
