She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
