if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
