Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
