he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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