We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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