im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Duck Duck Cougar?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
