His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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