How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
