I feel like abortions should bother me more
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
