I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
