so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
