he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
